Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
