I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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