A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
