she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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