woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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