I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
