Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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