mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm really busy with my period
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