It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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