Swine flu is the new snow day.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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