glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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