At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
