Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
