i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
