cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
