just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
