You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
