Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
