this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
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I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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