College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
