Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
