Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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