apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
