you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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