he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
