Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
