Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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