from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
