Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We are all done wearing pants today
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
