i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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