Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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