I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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