So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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