We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
