I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
