My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
