I wish I could teleport
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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