Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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