I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
