i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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