don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
