she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
