HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
