ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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