Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize