there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
