well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
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You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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