On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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