halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i came on her dog
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
