This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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