New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
