i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
