I like to think it a success when the cops are called
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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