just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
