I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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