The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
