Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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