Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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