All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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