I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize