went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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